teeth mmmonster

Dont cry ill bring this home to you

2009-03-22T13:29:00.001-07:00

I want to be in love again..i want it more than anything. I want to live with purpose and not be selfish. The more alone I am the more neurotic and selfish and crazy I get. I want someone to let me in and i want to let myself let someone else in. Fuck im depressed.

things i want ( but will probably not get due to being broke)

2009-02-16T17:41:00.000-08:00

http://www.karmaloop.com/products.aspx?ProductID=42446&VendorCode=ADI

http://www.karmaloop.com/products.aspx?ProductID=34039&VendorCode=FRE

http://www.urbanoutfitters.com/urban/catalog/productdetail.jsp?itemdescription=true&itemCount=60&startValue=1&selectedProductColor=&sortby=&id=15948839&parentid=W_APP_NEW&sortProperties=&navCount=18&navAction=poppushpush&color=&pushId=W_APP_NEW&popId=WOMENS_WHATSNEW&prepushId=

http://www.urbanoutfitters.com/urban/catalog/productdetail.jsp?itemdescription=true&itemCount=60&startValue=61&selectedProductColor=&sortby=&id=15955941&parentid=W_APP_NEW&sortProperties=&navCount=24&navAction=poppushpush&color=&pushId=W_APP_NEW&popId=WOMENS_WHATSNEW&prepushId=

http://www.freepeople.com/index.cfm/fuseaction/products.detail/productID/1efc4677-0ef1-4eb9-9a29-2268c1c3a78a/categoryID/d33e91d8-02c2-4775-b5fa-2c868faed501

http://www.freepeople.com/index.cfm/fuseaction/products.detail/productID/6c83c263-42b2-4a63-beba-bf6568c7b6ab/categoryID/d33e91d8-02c2-4775-b5fa-2c868faed501

http://www.modcloth.com/store//ModCloth/PinUpandBombshell/Retro+Sailor+Swimsuit (my dream)

http://www.topshop.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?beginIndex=0&viewAllFlag=&catalogId=32051&storeId=13052&categoryId=133444&parent_category_rn=133431&productId=1071407&langId=-1

http://www.topshop.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?beginIndex=0&viewAllFlag=&catalogId=32051&storeId=13052&categoryId=133446&parent_category_rn=133431&productId=1073491&langId=-1

ALL THE BOOTS ON TOPSHOP BUT THIS ONE IN PARTICULAR http://www.topshop.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?beginIndex=0&viewAllFlag=&catalogId=32051&storeId=13052&categoryId=133462&parent_category_rn=133457&productId=1043516&langId=-1

things I have done this month( in no order)

2009-02-15T15:48:00.000-08:00

finally bought rain boots (stylish and not funky)

figured out how to do this hairstyle http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_9Zf_P9g6cuo/SKGyDlBpBLI/AAAAAAAABFM/dUOdZR4FGrY/s400/ukh-toni-guy.jpg
and did it.

cleaned over 350 teeth :) by the end of this semester i will have cleaned close to 2000 teeth

untied the knot and let the fuck go

figured out i hate hate hate vodka and i will honestly never drink that poison again

realized that I dont need anybody but myself( even though i realize this every month, but particularly this month i realized it the most)

cleaned my room ( after 4 months of not cleaning)

gained another 5 lbs( i am now a little heavier than my sister and shes 2-3 inches taller than me)

pulled every muscle in my body

got my permit!! with a perfect score :) then drove and failed at life

was totes fine with not having a valentine ( its cute but its not for me)

went bridesmaid dress shopping with my sister and tried on tiaras and pretended to be a princess cuz i never tried on tiaras before

video chatted a whole bunch

discovered lots of new blogs to read

realized that not every person is as bad as they seem when they are in the lions den

2009-02-09T18:48:00.000-08:00

I was coming back here to delete a couple of posts but then i realized im only deleting them bc in a way i feel slightly embarrassed for having them up in the first place. Things have changed dramatically but im like a downs syndrome 25 year old who cant move on from when times are the best. Its hard to explain. I feel like my brain has matured so so much in the past 3 years but theres a noose that is always in the shadow, pulling me back. I just need to get better at untying knots and let go...

Where do you go when it gets dark? Is there room for me there?

2009-02-07T15:21:00.000-08:00

it used to be all about this now everybody changing,changed, or contemplating.

2009-02-06T15:39:00.001-08:00

sometimes ill instant message you and close it, and when you answer me ill pretend that you care and are trying again..

but she claims affection

2009-01-30T18:03:00.000-08:00

So i started school this week. I cant believe im graduating college i just cant. But there's a road block ahead of me..one ive faced a few times before in my life. Something that holds me back from being like everybody else. Im underprivileged. Not in the homeless way, but in the immigration way. Ive been in this country for about 19 years now. We had a lot of problems with immigration, we stayed in america on an expired visa which held back our case a lot. Fast forward to about junior highschool, coming back after summer vacation, everyone was tan, some with braids in their hair and beads at the end. All coming back from some cruise or tropical vacation. I then realized that throughout my life, there are going to be certain things i can and cant do. And i accepted it. Often crying, wondering why i too, couldnt go on a relaxing vacation.

If only it stopped there. And that was the only thing I was held back from.

As i grew older i realized i cant visit my family in israel. And then, after 9/11, the law changed about getting a drivers license. And i couldnt get one. Neither could my sister. I was so crushed. Watched all my friends, the same ones with beaded braids in their hair a few years back, go to drivers ed classes. Then eventually flaunting their keys in the hallways and getting in their cars.

I finally am able to get a licence because i recieved employment authorization, which was the extra points i needed of id to get a license. I am now scared to drive. Ironic..yeah maybe.

So after getting the employment authorization card, my family was well on the way to getting an actual green card. We are still waiting, but i figured everythings ok. I finally felt normal. Like everyone else. Except for the big red letters on my non drivers id that says TEMPORARY VISITOR. But its ok.

But now the shit hit the fan.

I had orientation for the boards exam and dental hygiene licensing yesterday after class. Basically they told us everything we needed to know. When my professor got to the next slide on the power point, my whole world caved in on me.

In new york state you have to have us citizenship or a green card to have a dental hygiene license. If you dont, then you can have a limited license where you work for like 20$ an hour in underprivileged areas. I didnt go to school for this long and work this hard to not have a fucking choice and not be making the money i want to be making ( around $50).

So i cried and had an anxiety attack during school. Gabby calmed me down and drove me home. On my way home my professor called and told me they dont have this law in jersey and i can practice there. So thank god.

So now im going to get my drivers license and work in jersey if we dont get our green card by june.

so yeah. now im going to trash to get trashed. peace in the middle east.

2009-01-27T11:31:00.000-08:00

I feel like my throat is closing up
My heart is caving in
My lungs are heavy
my head is numb.

i wake up lonely

2009-01-22T15:46:00.000-08:00

Cursed with a love that you can't express
It's not for a fuck, or a kiss
Rather give the world away than wake up lonely
Everywhere in every way I see you with me

Crowd surf off a cliff
Land out on the ice
Crowd surf off to sea
float towards the beach

If you find me, hide me, I don't know where I've been

Are we breathing, are we breathing, are we wasting our breath?
It won't be enough to be rich
All the babies tucked away in their beds
We're out here screaming,
"The life that you thought through is gone!"
Can't wind down, the ending outlasting the move
I wake up lonely

Crowd surf off a cliff
Land out on the ice
Crowd surf off to sea
float towards the beach

If you find me, hide me, I don't know where I've been
When you phone me tell me everything I did
If I'm sorry you lost me you'd better make it quick
Cause this call costs a fortune and it's late where you live
It's late where you live

Rather give the world away than wake up lonely
Everywhere and every way I see you with me
All the babies tucked away in their beds
We're out here screaming,
"The life that you thought through is gone"
Can't want out, the ending outlasting the move
I wake up lonely

I wake up lonely

stay away from me

2009-01-02T14:13:00.000-08:00

Recap of new years:
went to jersey. drank half a bottle of jager again. people through coffee tables and shoes and cops came and mosh pit fighting bla bla. slept at matts house. woke up we went to ihop and ate the best food ever. im in the worst state of mind/mood. Fuck everything

gabby told me her friend fell into the train tracks hahhah its funny trust me.

i was just watching oprah and crying.

me and carianne got back together.
i missed her a lot.

best picture ever.

the truth:

2008-12-28T12:02:00.001-08:00

2008-12-27T18:05:00.000-08:00

You are every ounce of horror, every reminding second
of a completely terrible life. You're the single most
constant mistake of why most my body aches, and from
the cold, iron shackles you locked around my heart to
the chunks of my life you picked out from your teeth.
I remember for a moment about the person I used to be.

something else i never followed through with

2008-12-26T12:06:00.000-08:00

As much as I wanted to blog everyday so i could look back on my life, for reasons unknown, I didn't continue with this thing. But now seeing how im radioactive and all, stuck in my room, and on winter break, its time to revive this thing. WAIT WAIT, did she just say radioactive? YEP, thats right. I was diagnosed with Graves Disease which is a form of hyperthyroidism. My thyroid is too big,and secretes too many hormones. This explains A LOT about me. Im always anxious, nervous, and hyper. My whole life was spent trying to change that about me. So much money and time spent on physiologists, psychiatrists, medications, drowning myself in tears, withering away, etc.etc.etc.
So now with numerous visits after school to the great people at Long Island College Hospital in brooklyn heights, a place where i go to school and wish to inhabit one day, they have given me hope and are trying to cure me.

Im on something right now called radioactive iodine. Its a dosage of radiation that kills your thyroid and makes you have hypothyroidism which is much easier to deal with than hyper. So once my thyroid is all dead and gone, i will be on a medication my whole life called synthroid. synthetic thyroid. So i have these limitations for a week that i must follow. I cant be near people. They have to be at least 6 feet away from me at all times and only for an hour at a time at most.
Another thing i have to do is flush the toilet twice and wash the sink and shower everytime im done with it. Also i have to wash my laundry seperatly from others. AND i cant go through tunnels or airports because they have radiation detectors there and will pick up mine. They gave me a letter to show to anyone if i happen to get stopped.

So thats that.

What else is going on in my life?
Ok so since last entry, i moved out of park slope and into bay ridge with chaz. This caused a lot of unnecessary drama. Lost a good friend. Anyway, i moved out now back home.

The last time i wrote here i was in a bad state of mind that i find myself in every year. I dont know why i do the things i do, i know they will always end up with me in my room, crying and confused. But no more. A couple months ago, right around the time of my birthday, we slept together. And all seemed great for a couple of days. But then we both realized its different. It will never be the same. He will always trick me and i will always fall. But thats only if i put myself in that situation ever again. Which i wont. Because im with someone new now.

I like this boy. He is nice and charming and has a nice beard i can get along with.

Anyway. Im going to be a dental hygienist in 7 months. I cannot wait. I had over 40 patients so far during school.

hopefully ill keep this thing updated but until next time ciao

no love no glory

2008-08-13T19:29:00.001-07:00

there aren't enough words in the dictionary to describe the effect that a certain person has on me.

with one or two words i can instantly break down in tears, want to kill myself, and want to not talk to anyone for the rest of my life.

And so it is just like you said it would be

life goes easy on me , most of the time

and so it is, the shorter story ..no love no glory

no hero in her skies

2008-08-06T23:54:00.000-07:00

I have this uneasy feeling in my stomach. Moving later today. The thought of it is weird. I mean it's not like it's the first time im thinking about it, i just cant believe its here. I am going to be so far away from everything i know, everyone i know. It's not like that matters too much because i don't really see anybody anyway. Im really just going to miss my family and my dogs.

I feel like i dug a really deep hole and cant seem to find my way out.

2008-08-05T18:38:00.000-07:00

OUCH

only fools rush in

2008-08-03T19:52:00.000-07:00

woke up at 8:30 am to go to a photoshoot 2 blocks from where im going to live on thursday. I really adore park slope so much..the brownstones..the peace and non drama..the amazing people..the safety..the beauty. What a wonderful place to live. I am so excited to get my tattoos on tuesday its an undescribable feeling. I have wanted this for SO long.

I realized today that im fine. I only feel sad/anxious/nervous/contemplative/ when I talk him. When im by myself only I exist. The thing that scares me most is..when im not talking to him I feel nothing at all. I don't feel happy but i dont feel sad. I feel ok. I want to remember what it feels like to be more than happy.

used to be one of the rotton ones and i liked you for that

2008-08-02T14:33:00.000-07:00

Let me just start of b y saying i've had better summers when i was 15. A lot of things have come and gone in my life but theres someone who just keeps on coming back. Different ways each time. I don't know what to do anymore. My life became so fast after I got my loan. Im moving next thursday..japanese hair straightening on monday, tattoos on tuesday. Im so bored of the summer. It seems that everyone has that someone they can hang out with. My someone is myself and maybe my dogs. Its weird to me that every person i know has a significant other in their life. It's not most people..its literally everyone. Im not jealous im just amazed.

A lot of things have been confusing me as of late. I know what I should be doing but I do the complete opposite. Maybe one day ill figure it out. All of it.