Sunday, March 22, 2009

Dont cry ill bring this home to you

I want to be in love again..i want it more than anything. I want to live with purpose and not be selfish. The more alone I am the more neurotic and selfish and crazy I get. I want someone to let me in and i want to let myself let someone else in. Fuck im depressed.

Monday, February 16, 2009

things i want ( but will probably not get due to being broke) (my dream)


Sunday, February 15, 2009

things I have done this month( in no order)

finally bought rain boots (stylish and not funky)

figured out how to do this hairstyle
and did it.

cleaned over 350 teeth :) by the end of this semester i will have cleaned close to 2000 teeth

untied the knot and let the fuck go

figured out i hate hate hate vodka and i will honestly never drink that poison again

realized that I dont need anybody but myself( even though i realize this every month, but particularly this month i realized it the most)

cleaned my room ( after 4 months of not cleaning)

gained another 5 lbs( i am now a little heavier than my sister and shes 2-3 inches taller than me)

pulled every muscle in my body

got my permit!! with a perfect score :) then drove and failed at life

was totes fine with not having a valentine ( its cute but its not for me)

went bridesmaid dress shopping with my sister and tried on tiaras and pretended to be a princess cuz i never tried on tiaras before

video chatted a whole bunch

discovered lots of new blogs to read

realized that not every person is as bad as they seem when they are in the lions den

Monday, February 9, 2009

I was coming back here to delete a couple of posts but then i realized im only deleting them bc in a way i feel slightly embarrassed for having them up in the first place. Things have changed dramatically but im like a downs syndrome 25 year old who cant move on from when times are the best. Its hard to explain. I feel like my brain has matured so so much in the past 3 years but theres a noose that is always in the shadow, pulling me back. I just need to get better at untying knots and let go...

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Where do you go when it gets dark? Is there room for me there?

it used to be all about this now everybody changing,changed, or contemplating.

Friday, February 6, 2009

sometimes ill instant message you and close it, and when you answer me ill pretend that you care and are trying again..

Friday, January 30, 2009

but she claims affection

So i started school this week. I cant believe im graduating college i just cant. But there's a road block ahead of ive faced a few times before in my life. Something that holds me back from being like everybody else. Im underprivileged. Not in the homeless way, but in the immigration way. Ive been in this country for about 19 years now. We had a lot of problems with immigration, we stayed in america on an expired visa which held back our case a lot. Fast forward to about junior highschool, coming back after summer vacation, everyone was tan, some with braids in their hair and beads at the end. All coming back from some cruise or tropical vacation. I then realized that throughout my life, there are going to be certain things i can and cant do. And i accepted it. Often crying, wondering why i too, couldnt go on a relaxing vacation.

If only it stopped there. And that was the only thing I was held back from.

As i grew older i realized i cant visit my family in israel. And then, after 9/11, the law changed about getting a drivers license. And i couldnt get one. Neither could my sister. I was so crushed. Watched all my friends, the same ones with beaded braids in their hair a few years back, go to drivers ed classes. Then eventually flaunting their keys in the hallways and getting in their cars.

I finally am able to get a licence because i recieved employment authorization, which was the extra points i needed of id to get a license. I am now scared to drive. Ironic..yeah maybe.

So after getting the employment authorization card, my family was well on the way to getting an actual green card. We are still waiting, but i figured everythings ok. I finally felt normal. Like everyone else. Except for the big red letters on my non drivers id that says TEMPORARY VISITOR. But its ok.

But now the shit hit the fan.

I had orientation for the boards exam and dental hygiene licensing yesterday after class. Basically they told us everything we needed to know. When my professor got to the next slide on the power point, my whole world caved in on me.

In new york state you have to have us citizenship or a green card to have a dental hygiene license. If you dont, then you can have a limited license where you work for like 20$ an hour in underprivileged areas. I didnt go to school for this long and work this hard to not have a fucking choice and not be making the money i want to be making ( around $50).

So i cried and had an anxiety attack during school. Gabby calmed me down and drove me home. On my way home my professor called and told me they dont have this law in jersey and i can practice there. So thank god.

So now im going to get my drivers license and work in jersey if we dont get our green card by june.

so yeah. now im going to trash to get trashed. peace in the middle east.